This literary gem has been drafted with love. Let me help you. I’m here to make sure you don’t do anything tooly or ass-holey in yoga.

(Note: This isn’t an ahimsa-friendly post. If you’re cool with that and have a sense of humor, read on, my dear friend. To the sour-puss judgy mc-judgertons, you’re in the wrong place on all counts. U-turn, please.)

10 Sure-Fire Ways to Make an Ass of Yourself in Yoga Class (i.e., what NOT to do):

1. Cultivate Ujjayi breath that rivals Darth Vader. Did I sign up to have phone sex with you? I don’t think so. I don’t need to feel like I’m on the wrong end of a prank phone call as I attempt to quiet my mind.
2. Om, Sat Nam, etc. like your life depends on it. A yogi/ni is not made by the volume of his or her chanting. I promise. There’s no door prize for being the loudest Om-er.
3. Step on the mats of others. If you’re a foodie, think of it as a dinner plate. If you’re religiously or spiritually inclined, imagine those mats are sacred texts. You wouldn’t put your foot in either spot, would you? This kind of disrespect could get you an ass kicking in a place you’d least expect it.
4. Say things like, “Sup, girl. You look foooiiiine in those tight yoga pants. Can I get your number?” This goes for both sexes. This isn’t a meet market, nor is it a meat market. You can move beyond your appendages, appetites, and predilections for 90 minutes.
5. Skip bathing or go hog wild on the onions/garlic/chili/curry the night before. There’s really no better way to pervert someone’s pranayama. That’s air pollution! Somebody call the EPA!!
6. Bust out a handstand, pop into Pincha Mayurasana, or otherwise show your sh*t off when everyone else is doing as instructed and quietly taking Virabhadrasana 2. Let me clear this up for you right now: no one will think, “Damn he’s awesome!” or “Wow, look at her — she rocks!” Nope, not a one. Every single last person in the room, no matter how nice, is going to be thinking, “What a douche.”
7. Fling your props about with reckless abandon. I actually got clocked by a guy who thought it would be a good idea to yank his metal d-ringed strap over my head from a cubby. Really?! I’m sitting right here in front of your face! I was feeling calm, but now I’m calmly plotting to mess your ass up in the parking lot after class.
8. Choreograph your own yoga class during, uh, yoga class. I’m sure the teacher appreciates your…creativity and inventiveness, but I doubt he appreciates it during his carefully and artfully constructed class. Be present. Hand the next 90 minutes over to the guide in front of you. Trust.
9. Peace out during Savasana. Because this is totally the BEST time to make a loud exit. You know, when everyone is blissfully resting and absorbing all the work they’ve done. Our eyes are closed, we’re at our most vulnerable, fluffy bunnies and sugarplums are dancing in our heads. A warm glow begins to — clangalangalanggggglll kkkkkkkpppchhhkkkkkllll!!!! Your keys, we presume? We try to ignore the disturbance and slip gently back in to — blooop! snap! squiggle squiggle! Now instead of seeing stars and the colors of our chakras, in our mind’s eyes, we know you’re tinkering with your yoga mat. Would you like to know where we want to help you put it?
10. Keep your phone on. And let it ring-a-ling-a-ling. Perhaps it works for you on dates, in the conference room, wherever, to have your cell ringing 24/7. Maybe it makes you feel wanted and in demand, like a pimp. Not in yoga. Quite the opposite, in fact. And despite the delicious alliteration, Lady Gaga doesn’t exactly go with Garudasana, Kanye isn’t kin to Kapotasana, and Rihanna wasn’t made for Reverse Warrior. Hold the soundtrack and silence your phone, please. Unless, of course, your ringtone is George Michael. That just might work. :)

Now go forth confidently into the yoga world, fully equipped with the knowledge that will save your asana!

photo credit: Yoga Journal’s Ogden

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