barbiji { barbie as guru }

- - Lifestyle

Barbiji tee

As you have no doubt heard by now, our favorite pink-decked, golden-tressed, busty-breasted doll is a newly-minted Yoga Teacher. Though not yet confirmed by Yoga Alliance, Barbie’s 200-hour certification is believed to come from MattelWorks Exhale Core Power Studios. The news was met amongst the yoga set with dismay, spoofdom, and conflicted emotions.

To you, I ask:

If you prick Barbiji, does she not bleed? If you tickle her, does she not laugh? If you poison her, will she not die? And if you wrong her, shall she not revenge?

(*aside* Dear God and Mr. Shakespeare, Please don’t smite me for this semi-bastardization of The Merchant of Venice. I only seek to construct a point. Love, Lo)

barbie yoga class

The answer is . . . by combination of plasticity and sheer absence of thought, Barbiji rises above that which cripples mere humankind.

Let us explore the masterful ways Barbiji lives her yoga:

  1. Brahmacharya — The picture of celibacy, Barbiji is not dominated by her anatomically-incorrect sexual organs. The lines of demarcation in the vicinity of her popo region simply help her focus on her mulabandha/root lock. Her boyfriend Ken’s flesh-colored chastity belt furthers their commitment to non-sexcellence.
  2. Ahimsa — Harm none. She loves animals, holds down multiple jobs and volunteers, and drives a Corvette that runs on the most eco-friendly energy: human-generated push force!
  3. Satya — If you can’t talk, you can’t lie, bitches.
  4. Santosha — In her latest incarnation, Barbiji is trapped in a claustrophobic box, stuck with a yappy dog, contorted into a bad non-pose, equipped with a door-mat-sized yoga mat. And yet she is the epitome of contentment. See how her eyes sparkle? She can make do with anything and nothing at all.

There is a lesson to be gleaned from everything. Look past the pajama yoga outfit, 80s eye makeup, and polyvinyl chloride to the shining elastomer heart beneath.

yoga teacher barbie


Tongues in cheeks and messages speak.

finished artwork by YIFY (photo/art sources: T-Shirt Template + Coloring Page Place); photo credits: #1 – Fun With Barbie, #2 – Mind Body Green

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soothsayer. illusion slayer. intj/mastermind. writer + artist + strategist + innovator. california born, city of angels bred. gypset world traveler. la face with an oakland booty. queen of the jungle who doesn't lose sleep over the opinions of sheep.

17 Comments to barbiji { barbie as guru }

  1. @ Svasti – Damn! I understand Ken’s position on this. A dealbreaker deserving of a swift kick to the curb.

    @ Nancy – You should see her Hanumanasana! She has a little trouble with Tadasana, though, Barbie toes and all. ;)

  2. Seva Soule Yoga (@SevaSouleYoga)

    I hear her 3-legged dog is pretty awesome with the barbie-toe action! Yes, double fun on 3-legged dog.

    Oh, Lo, how I love thee, let me read the ways…

  3. I complained because I had no socks, and then I met a doll with barbie toes.

    You have shown me the light.

    Deep bow.

  4. “Satya — If you can’t talk, you can’t lie, bitches,” makes me very happy! :) People should just leave her alone..afterall, she’s just ♬”a Barbie girl, in a Barbie Wooorld…”♬♫♪hahaa!

  5. In defense of the yoga pajama outfit, rolling out of bed and onto my yoga mat is the best… Nothing like a bit of lazy pajama yoga to start the day.

  6. @ Mere – unite!

    @ Soule Mama – love you back! working on my three-legged dog as we speak…

    @ David – you are so beautifully eloquent. i swoon. xo

    @ Rick – i bet she’d love it! i played with barbies when i was little and i’m (obviously) totally abnormal, which is a good thing. ;)

    @ Hip Hot Mama – that song! omg. now it’s stuck in my head. :P

    @ Larah – girl, i’m all over that. i LIVE in my freaking pajamas. so with you! :D

    @ Rere – i think you are my soulmate. truth. off to find you some flesh bikki undies.

  7. I’ve read this post through 8 times or so, and every time I laugh like it was the first. I want a Lo doll.

    Ps: I might regret admitting to this, but I couldn’t help but notice that the flesh colored Bikram/Ken doll-style undies linked above come in three equally frightening styles! :)