As you have no doubt heard by now, our favorite pink-decked, golden-tressed, busty-breasted doll is a newly-minted Yoga Teacher. Though not yet confirmed by Yoga Alliance, Barbie’s 200-hour certification is believed to come from MattelWorks Exhale Core Power Studios. The news was met amongst the yoga set with dismay, spoofdom, and conflicted emotions.
To you, I ask:
If you prick Barbiji, does she not bleed? If you tickle her, does she not laugh? If you poison her, will she not die? And if you wrong her, shall she not revenge?
(*aside* Dear God and Mr. Shakespeare, Please don’t smite me for this semi-bastardization of The Merchant of Venice. I only seek to construct a point. Love, Lo)
The answer is . . . by combination of plasticity and sheer absence of thought, Barbiji rises above that which cripples mere humankind.
Let us explore the masterful ways Barbiji lives her yoga:
- Brahmacharya — The picture of celibacy, Barbiji is not dominated by her anatomically-incorrect sexual organs. The lines of demarcation in the vicinity of her popo region simply help her focus on her mulabandha/root lock. Her boyfriend Ken’s flesh-colored chastity belt furthers their commitment to non-sexcellence.
- Ahimsa — Harm none. She loves animals, holds down multiple jobs and volunteers, and drives a Corvette that runs on the most eco-friendly energy: human-generated push force!
- Satya — If you can’t talk, you can’t lie, bitches.
- Santosha — In her latest incarnation, Barbiji is trapped in a claustrophobic box, stuck with a yappy dog, contorted into a bad non-pose, equipped with a door-mat-sized yoga mat. And yet she is the epitome of contentment. See how her eyes sparkle? She can make do with anything and nothing at all.
There is a lesson to be gleaned from everything. Look past the pajama yoga outfit, 80s eye makeup, and polyvinyl chloride to the shining elastomer heart beneath.
Tongues in cheeks and messages speak.