slim. calm. humpty?

(PARENTAL ADVISORY: Explicit Lyrics. ALSO: Sense of Humor is a Prerequisite.)

By golly, I now know what became of Digital Underground’s Humpty Hump (aka Shock G – so well known for his alter egos): he’s Tara Stiles!!!! Know how I know? I’m pretty sure that in her book, Slim Calm Sexy, she says, “Yeah, I called you fat. Look at me, I’m skinny!” I know she didn’t say the rest, “It never stopped me from gettin’ busy, I’m a freak!” but maybe that’ll be the next book. Slim Calm Skeezy? Anyway. Subtext, yo. Very telling.

Flip through the book (in a library or book store, for Patanjali’s sake, DON’T buy it fool!), take a gander at the ads, then listen to the awesomely iconic Humpty Dance song and all will be crystal clear.

Humpty, for the love of all that is holy, please come back to us! I beg of you. Sure, you can stick with your yoga practice. But no more silly books with bad ads. It’s just not you. I can’t share yoga classes with people who’ve read Slim Calm Sexy. Too dangerous. They’re going to be very, very hungry — existing on yoga and water thanks to your alter ego Stiles (size 8 to size 00 w/15 minutes of yoga a day? say wha?). They’ll be grouchy at best and cannibalistic at worst. I am NOT edible.

I miss your big fake nose…the faux fur hat…and lyrics like, “I’m Shock G, the one who put the satin on your panties.” Poetic.

Now stop all this nonsense and get back to what you do best. Perhaps a supernasty (aww yeahhh) remix of Freaks of the Industry?

I’m spunky. I like my oatmeal lumpy.

photo credits: takethehandle.com + qpicture.com

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